child loss, bereavement, tcf canada, tcf, compassionate friends, grief, grieving

Facing Grief In the Workplace

Monday, morning. I was down. As they say, “Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.” But this Monday was particularly despairing.

Susan, our bright, blue eyed, blond haired sixteen year old only child had died in an auto accident the previous Tuesday night. Having taken the customary three days funeral leave, this Monday was my first day back at the office.

It was awkward. Awkward for me and awkward for my fellow employees. People seemed apprehensive to talk about anything. How in the world does one co habit with grief and work? There is no energy, no drive. How did other bereaved parents ‘get on’ with their lives and grieve?

I remembered Guy. His sixteen year old son died in a car accident. Immediately, he stopped associating socially with those that he worked with. I wondered why. They had had so much fun. Within a year I heard that he changed jobs.

I remembered Al. He was a banker. After his eighteen year old son died, he threw himself into his work. He was in his office by 7am, and he was at the office or at a community meeting until after 9pm. Within a year he was elected President of the Chamber of Commerce and within two years he was President of his Rotary Club. I wondered if this was what ‘they’called ‘denial?’ The ‘word about town’ was that he and his wife were not getting along well. In conversations years later, he admitted that he absolutely refused to discuss the son. But his wife had the need to share memories. He wished that he had been advised as to what to expect.

Within an hour, I was roused from this wondering by a visit from our Senior Vice President. He is a wonderful and compassionate fellow, and I am convinced that he meant well when he determinedly announced, “We have created several new programs and promotions for you to head up.” Being a marketing manager, I should have found this an exciting and challenging opportunity. Wrong.

He obviously felt that I should have been kept busy so I would not mourn, or grieve. Little did he know that what I needed was rest. Or, that what I wanted was to have a heart attack. He could not have known that getting out of bed each morning and going to work was a major challenge. And, little did I know that I should have educated him and my fellow employees.

LESSON #1. I do not believe that we can hide from or run away from our grief by becoming workaholics, putting on an armor of ‘busy’ as a defense. I believe that we simply delay the inevitable grief. Further, I believe that changing jobs and losing whatever support system that may be at our jobs could be devastating. It certainly would have been for me. So here it was that really awful Monday. Within minutes I would be asked the same question that has been asked probably a million times to every bereaved father around the world, in every nation, and in every language, “How is your wife doing?”

LESSON #2. People speak in code. Question: “How is your wife/husband doing?” Translation: “How are you?” “How are you doing?” I believe that people honestly care, but they do not know what to say. It is up to us to educate them. In an outstanding article, Facing Grief in the April, 1996 issue of Personnel Journal, it was reported that a significant 74% human resource managers interviewed acknowledged that they were at a loss for words or that they were self conscious about what to do for the bereaved.

LESSON #3. Acting as if nothing has happened does not work. I could not deny the existence of Susan Stanley. I remember standing in front of a mirror and saying over and over and over again, maybe five or ten minutes at a time: “Our daughter died. Our daughter died.” Why? Because in my job I meet new people constantly. And, I'll bet you know exactly the question that always comes up that's right, “How many children do you have?” or, “Do you have children?” I had to be in a position of telling the truth. So, I had to confront myself with information.

LESSON #4. Since we have no control over our emotions and the circumstances, we must learn to accept and manage that change. Managing this change means realizing what is going on. For instance, we bereaved may express a shortness of temper toward our fellow employees they talk about their children and grandchildren. We may think it completely thoughtless of them, especially about 2:30 each afternoon when the office phones light up with sons and daughters calling to tell mom that they have had a wonderful day at school.

Here we are in an office situation. Our fellow office worker was talking on the phone that morning to her married daughter about their newly born grandchild. That afternoon that same co worker asked if we will help her with something. Bingo. The ‘buckshot effect.’ We are mad with everybody and everything. We bereaved are depressed, and we scramble to find answers, to find peace, to find the ‘quick fix.’ Pending holidays are horrible and birthdays and anniversary dates are especially difficult times.

LESSON #5. I believe we should meet grief on its own terms, that we should take control. This may mean taking vacation days on birthdays and anniversary days. It may mean saving vacation time during the holidays to take a trip.

Being in control means, I believe, calling on our supervisor to establish the priorities and communicate exactly how we are doing and what we are feeling. I remember finding it very difficult to concentrate and I remember being fatigued. Being unable to concentrate, I found it helpful to sit with that Senior Vice President occasionally and review what I was working on and to set intermediate goals and priorities.

Is there a possibility of telecommuting from home via phone, modem, fax?