child loss, bereavement, tcf canada, tcf, compassionate friends, grief, grieving

The Grief Of A Parent Who Has Lost An Infant

To experience the loss of an infant is to grieve for what never was. After all the months of anticipation and preparation, the actual birth of a child brings the feelings of hope and fulfillment. Should that child be stillborn, or die hours, days or even months later, the unrealized dreams become a source of pain for the parents. No parent ever expects to outlive his child; the death of an infant is often the loss of a child unknown even to his parents. The expected stages of grief (guilt, disbelief, anger, etc.) can have new directions for the parents who have lost an infant.

1. SHAME and GUILT
Especially if the infant was stillborn or had a birth defect, the mother may feel she has failed as a woman, “Other women have live, normal babies, why can't I?” Should an infant die months after birth, parents find it hard to resolve feelings that “it was not their fault.”

2. NO MEMORIES 
Parents may only have “souvenirs of an occasion” (birth certificate, I.D. bracelet) by which to remember their child. If the infant is older, they may have pictures and a few belongings, but they may still feel they hadn't really gotten to know their child.

3. LONELINESS IN GRIEF
It is hard for friends and relatives to share your grief for a child they never knew. If the child is a newborn they may give the impression that you are grieving unnecessarily over a non person. They hope that you can “forget this baby” and “have another one.”

4. NEGLECTED FATHERS
Too often the sympathies of professionals and friends are directed mainly to the mother. It is important to remember that the father had made plans for this baby too.

5. MOTHERS vs. FATHERS
Since the mother has bonded with her child all during pregnancy, her grief may be much deeper than the father who only came to know this child after birth. It may be difficult for a father to understand why his wife's grief is so profound and so prolonged.

This article was written by Claire McGaughey & Sue Shelley from the TCF Infant Group in St. Louis, MO