child loss, bereavement, tcf canada, tcf, compassionate friends, grief, grieving

The Holidays Are Coming!

The holidays are coming! I know because there is a sign in a small town in Missouri that says so. I saw it in late August as I drove through town on my way home from taking my daughter to college. It said "Holiday Greetings." I was immediately filled with guilt because I had not gotten my cards addressed. I was overwhelmed with anger because I'm NOT READY YET! I'm just not ready! I still haven't written last year's holiday letter, and my gift list is incomplete.

I know what to give my dorm-doomed daughter: additional closet space, eight extra hours a day and anything that is edible out of a box. I know what to give my husband: additional closet space, eight extra hours a day and anything that is edible. I know what to give myself: additional closet space, eight extra hours a day and anything edible that does not have fat, calories or fiber!

But what do I give the family who is learning to live with an empty space at the table? What do I give the hurting parent whose dreams are shattered, or to the widow whose bed is empty? And what about the widower who hasn't mastered the microwave yet? What do I give the siblings, the grandparents, the relatives, the friends, to all who are grieving the loss of someone special?

We all need additional closet space, eight extra hours a day and something to eat; but what can we give ourselves when we hurt so badly on days when the rest of the world seems so happy? What can we give ourselves when signs tell us in August that the holidays are coming and we're not ever going to be ready again?!

Gifts for the grieving can be difficult. But we must find something to wrap up and exchange with each other. We must not let death rob us of everything. Whether this is your first holiday season in The Valley or you've been here a long time, you still need gifts. We each need to have something to unwrap, some surprise, some reminder that someone loves us enough to shop for us. If I could, I would give you:

PATIENCE. We are always in a hurry. We want things to be better now. We live in a world of oughts and shoulds and we suffer from guilt because we cannot meet our own expectations. I would give us all a hefty package of patience--with ourselves and with others and with the world in general. It may not be perfect. In fact, sometimes it is downright lousy. It's unfair, painful and awful. Patience might not cure the ills of the world, but I might be able to survive the turmoil if I had some tolerance for the imperfections of the human race. Patience is a hard gift to wrap, but one which we need.

TISSUE-OF-THE-MONTH-CLUB MEMBERSHIP. We go through a lot of tissues, especially around holiday time. Each month a new color or designer box will arrive, and it will be comforting to know there is an endless supply available. Otherwise, we may resort to using toilet paper and that is not as socially acceptable in public.

TIME. Time is a funny gift. Some people never have enough, while others seem to drown in endless hours. Time often becomes a painful yardstick against which we measure ourselves and each other. "Time heals all hurts" is an often-heard phrase which falls short of healing anything. Yet, time is the only way to get from one day to another, from one moment to the next; and until we invent some magical transportation system to hurry the journey to togetherness, we'll just have to take it one moment at a time. Though time will not heal anything, it might help to soften the hurt and distance the pain. I will hurt the rest of my days, but time will change the intensity of that hurt.

FURRY SLIPPERS. You will need furry slippers and you might as well toss in a warm bathrobe, too. We all need to wrap ourselves in something soft and comforting, and we have probably forgotten the last time we bought something so practical, yet comforting.

PICTURE FRAME. Frame a beloved picture in a new frame. It will symbolize the blending of the past with the present and reflect a changed but still loved life-scape.

MEMORY. When someone we love dies, memory seems more like a cruel attack rather than a gift. We cannot think of a single image that does not result in hurt. We cannot bear to look at pictures or to think of our loved ones... the pain is simply too great. Yet, even though we fear it, memory does not wither and die. It grows softer around the edges, and if we allow it, memory can become our tie to the past and our bridge to the future.

I would give you the gift of memory, for no matter how painful the memory may be, remember that you have it! If you had not loved at all, memory would be empty.

Give yourself time and patience, and learn to cherish the memories. Don't lose them in the fog of grief. Hold onto them tightly. If you have but few, then ask others to help you retrieve whatever memories they have of your loved one. Ask for pictures, stories, mementoes of the life you love so dearly.
And if you have a memory of someone who has died, give it freely to those who are left behind . . . in the sharing of those memories is born the beginning of hope and healing.

PEACE. A most requested gift, often sought, many times not found. Perhaps because we are looking for someone to give it to us, and peace is something that comes from within. My gift to you would be the strength to search for it and, once found, the courage to allow it to live within you once again. Let the past remain where it is; nurture the seeds you plant today in hopes of whatever lies ahead.

HOPE. We cannot live without hope, yet as we grieve, we often lose all sense of hope. We sink into hopelessness and despair, and fear we may never feel happy or hopeful again. A gift of hope is most needed by those whose pain has robbed them of all feeling. I learned to honor the pain I felt because at least I felt something! Hope is a phone call, a note, a cupcake that says, "I am here." This holiday, call someone you have thought about but not spoken with simply because you didn't know what to say... remember it doesn't matter what you say as long as you say something! Your presence is a gift of hope.

HUGS. Better than a new bathrobe and furry slippers. We miss the physical contact with our loved ones, and a hug can ease the distance between what was and what is. Even those who do not like hugs can give and receive them verbally or visually. Hugs span the space between the heart and the soul and remind us that we are alive.

LOVE. Lost forever, or so it seems. Without it, the world is colorless, the present bleak, the future hopeless. If I could, I'd wrap it in gold and silver and rainbow colors for you. I'd sing you all the songs you have stored in your heart and read all the lines of love written on your memory. But I cannot give you love you have not lost. I can only help you rediscover it. Search for it; find it! Even though death has come, love never goes away.

May these holidays be wondrous for you. May you find the gifts of joy and remembrance that come with love given and received. These are the treasures of your life. May you rediscover them again.
Darcie D. Sims