child loss, bereavement, tcf canada, tcf, compassionate friends, grief, grieving

THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH A Father's Story

How do we fathers deal with the death of a child? We've been good fathers, doing our best to provide for our families both materially and spiritually. We have taken our responsibilities as family men very seriously. Heck, we haven't even cheated on our income taxes! Why do we have to suffer? Why were we given this burden? What wrong have we committed to deserve this pain? And most important, how can we find the strength to endure?

Hundreds of doubts assailed me as I struggled to adjust to the reality of my situation and to make some sense of Blake's death. It was difficult for me to accept in a world governed by a loving and all powerful Creator, innocent people suffer and die. Therefore, I decided I must have been guilty of some transgression. Worst of all, I could not imagine ever feeling happy again. I didn't think I would ever enjoy my life. I missed my son terribly, and I was consumed with worry about my wife and surviving children. That question of "Why?" continued to plague me. I guess I was asking for knowledge and insight which no mortal can have. It was like a midnight search in the dark room for a black cat that wasn't there.

We do not know the reason, but we live in a world in which innocent people suffer. We need not add guilt to the pain we experience. Grief is a natural and important part of the healing process after the loss of a child. Guilt is not. The kind of despair that often accompanies guilt must be dealt with and overcome.

When we lose faith in the possibility of ever regaining happiness, we don't allow ourselves to believe that we can hope again. In truth, believing that we will get better is healing. We must reach down inside ourselves and find something to push us to a hopeful direction. The first step is to make a choice to believe we can overcome our suffering. Despite the fact that we have no guarantees for the future, we have to accept hope. The alternative is to allow ourselves to be convinced that we will never be healed. How can we progress from there? Hope can return if we allow it to. Doubt and despair will impede the process. Only when we allow ourselves to take the leap of faith and believe in the chance for our renewed happiness can we begin to enjoy life once more.

So how do we begin our healing? Well, like it or not, the only way out is through. How do you get started? Start where you are. Start with your grief, your despair, your guilt. Start with your confusion and questions. Start with the fact that you ARE. Try to find some sense of gratitude about your own life. Don't try to figure out why . . . you never will.

This Father's Day, try to trust in the goodness of life and to want that goodness again. Dedicate your talents and abilities to healing yourself and those around you. You'll know you're getting better when you can spend Father's Day celebrating the joy of your child's life, rather than the pain of his death.