child loss, bereavement, tcf canada, tcf, compassionate friends, grief, grieving

The Compassionate Friends ~
Who Are We and What Do We Do

Sometimes it is easier to describe who “we are” by saying who we are NOT. In all our descriptions of ourselves and our work it is very important to keep reminding everyone that we are NOT counsellors. Sometimes people expect us to take on that role and sometimes some of us are tempted to do so. It bears repeating...we are not counsellors.

From our beginnings in England in 1969 it has always been clear that we do not counsel. One of the points in Principle II states, “We do not offer professional psychotherapy or counselling.” Our By-laws and Policy Handbook also support this principle.

When a group applies to become a chapter of TCF/Canada they make several commitments, one being that they will abide by the Seven Principles and By-laws. So it is very important that every Chapter Leader and Sharing Circle Leader be very clear on this point.

Even in the case where a member has all the qualifications and training to be a counsellor, that member must leave that hat at home and come to meetings as simply a bereaved parent. The place for counselling is in the professional counsellor’s office.

Many of us have had training and experience in “active listening.” There is a place for this kind of interaction in one-on-one situations and in the second part of the Sharing Circle, if used sparingly and with discretion. (Many people are angered and turned off by such remarks as “I hear you saying….,” “You sound like you’re feeling…,” etc.) but in the first part of the Sharing Circle, the most important part of our sharing, there must not be any interruption or questioning of the parent. We owe it to them to hear them out, let them decide what they will share, and make no comment on the information they are sharing. The process is more important than the product. The parent is in charge of how much they share and this seems to provide an automatic governor – they let out only as much as they are prepared to deal with. Usually, if given time, they express all their negative feelings and then reminisce about the good times and happy memories. We rarely have a situation where a parent leaves the meeting in a negative frame of mind. They may have reddened eyes and be feeling somewhat wrung-out, but they know it was good to get their feelings out.

So what DO we do? WE LISTEN. We hear people out. We let them tell their story, express their feelings without fear of judgment. As Doug Manning (author of Don’t Take My Grief Away: What To Do When You Lose A Loved One ) says, “We lay ears on people.” And it works! It seems to be a natural, God-given capacity we all have – that healing can take place naturally if we have a chance to express all the emotions we go through when our child dies. It’s so simple that I never cease to be amazed at how well it works. But then, the simple and natural are often miraculous. If we need further help the professionals are there to help us. And if ever, in all our lives, we are to need professional help, this has to be the time. So TCF regularly encourages members to take advantage of all the resources in the community, including individual counselling. Most chapters invite therapists to their meetings so that members can get to know them and choose someone they think can help them.

If we were to act as counsellors we could do irreparable harm to a bereaved parent and incur the displeasure of the professional community. Indeed we might put the reputation of the TCF into jeopardy. How tragic it would be if this great organization were to be tarnish by a few well-meaning but ill-informed members. Please make sure that all the members of your chapter and especially your Sharing Circle Leaders are aware of these concerns. We may all need to remind ourselves occasionally that ~ We Are Not Counsellors.

 Gwen Brown  TCF/Canada (April 1991)