child loss, bereavement, tcf canada, tcf, compassionate friends, grief, grieving

MEMBERSHIP ~ WHY BEREAVED PARENTS ONLY
by Gwen Brown (February 1993)

We, as members of The Compassionate Friends of Canada, must never lose sight of our origin, our purposes and our mandate. In 1968, a few days after their son’s death, Joe and Iris Lawley, reached out to Bill and Joan Henderson when their son died. They sent flowers and an invitation for tea. The Lawleys and the Hendersons met often; they shared together and cried together. When Rev. Simon Stephens saw how they had helped each other he said that they had been a better support to each other than he, or any other professional could have been. He suggested that they form a society and invite other bereaved parents to come. They had their first meeting January 29, 1969. That is how TCF began and that is our reason for being – to provide that special support for other bereaved parents.

You’ll note that TCF/Canada, in its by-laws and chapter constitution, lists parent members and associate members under the heading of ‘Membership’. The term, ‘parent members’ does not include widow, widowers, people who lose friends, bereaved siblings (by definition, a person of any age whose brother or sister has died), or people whom have lost parents. TCF parent members are parents grieving the death of a child. Some TCF chapters have set up separate groups for their surviving children of a certain age, but there are explicit, comprehensive guidelines for these very special groups. Most Canadian chapters invite their surviving children over the age of 16 to come to Sharing Meetings with their parents; grandparents are also welcome. We find that in helping the parents work through their grief, and in our discussions about the grief of their surviving children, we help their surviving children indirectly.

TCF/Canada must remain as it was originally intended: a group to meet the special needs of parents who have experienced the death of a child. The minute we allow a different category of loss to become a part of TCF, we introduce the thin edge of the wedge that could destroy the whole “raison d’être” of this organization. In cities large enough to support a TCF chapter there are usually support groups for general bereavement as well as groups for specific losses. If it is a small community, there is provision in our policies for chapters, upon prior agreement of the bereaved parent membership, to allow widow, widowers, and other bereaved persons to attend sharing meetings temporarily, until such time as they can organize a group of their own. In larger centres there should not be any need for TCF to accommodate other kinds of loss.

No one knows better than TCF parent members about the value and the need for support groups that serve the needs of those whom have suffered other kinds of loss. Consequently, we encourage their formation. We also recognize the special needs of certain kinds of bereavement and the strength to be gained from sharing with those who have had similar experiences. In addition, we know that only a bereaved parent can understand fully another bereaved parent’s pain. Anyone who thinks the loss of a child is like any other loss needs to read Dr. Therese Rando’s book, Parental Loss of a Child (particularly chapter 2), and a book by Dennis Klass, PH.D, entitled, Parental Grief: Solace and Resolution.

We trust that everyone who truly understands the nature of TCF, its beginnings and its mandate, will accept this restriction and be willing to work within the by-laws of TCF/Canada. They can be very actively involved as associate members, with the only restriction being that they cannot hold office or vote at meetings unless written consent is obtained annually from the Board of TCF Canada. Our Advisory Board members are good examples of those people who believe in the principles and value of TCF and who are willing to work with us as Associate Members in our organization. The Compassionate Friends of Canada must remain a self-help support group for the special needs of parents who have experienced the death of a child.

                               Our hearts touch

                                                   - when you tell me your story

                                           - when you share your feelings

                                           - when you put me in touch with mine.

                         How does this happen

                                            - how can we be so open

                                            - allow ourselves to be so vulnerable

                                            - feel the need to remember and hurt again?

                        Is it because we have come in touch with the eternal LOVE?

               Is it because we have made a commitment -

                                  TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY?

                                                                                                                            Gwen Brown
In memory of her son, David Brown 
August 8,1964 – March 21,1978